Thursday, 10 November 2011

This is a story of girl breaks up with boy..

I don't know how we got here. Which is ridiculous because I'm pretty sure that I wasn't having an out-of-body experience for the last year and a bit. But honestly I am stumped. Positively befuddled. Because how can someone go from talking every day and having passionate daydreams of future plans and wishes to being repulsed by the idea of being with that very same person who you had just been daydreaming of? Writing it down like this it doesn't seem possible, or fair at the very least.


Even though I had never loved before, apart from child-like crushes on television characters and the like, I am pretty sure I loved him. I wanted him. I needed him. So now I sit here, alone by choice, and I wonder quite seriously, if there is a greater design to this all. Being agnostic I don't....didn't? believe that there was a 'God' as such, but now I kinda think there is certainly someone or thing with a great big Barney Stinson Playbook controlling what I feel and do. Because you know what? I certainly don't feel in control of this one. And that is terrifying. If I can fall out of love so easily what else can happen? What's next?


I can't expect...I don't have the right to expect to be friends. I know this. I forget sometimes that whilst I may have fallen out of love with you, you didn't fall out of love with me. And that all just sounds so terribly self-absorbed and obnoxious that it's almost to putrid to write. But sometime's, and especially lately, my thoughts haven't been born in flowers and sunshine. I sometimes wish you had never found me at all so I would never this. See? There I go again. Being selfish and vain and self-centred. I would never have to feel this. I. But there's a you in this too. A you who is moving interstate to get away from the me that couldn't love him the way he loved me. Does he have more of a capacity to love than me? Perhaps. Perhaps I did love him as much as I was capable of, and initially that was enough. But how can I (selfish once again), stay with him, pretending as I was, just in the hopes of providing him with just enough reassurance of false promises and love to tide him by. I can't. I couldn't. I won't.


So sometimes, those of you who have been dumped, just spare a thought for your dump-er. The person who had to dump you. God no! I can almost hear you say. Why the hell should I spare a thought for that thoughtless bastard/bitch? (Those of you who remained friends, congrats...you're a rare few). I'll tell you why. Because, all being said, it may be harder to break another's heart than your own. To know that you will have to damage another human being one whom you may have shared a deep friendship with. I don't think you can damage another without damaging yourself in the process.


So whilst he may move on hating me, at least hate is easier to forget than regret. Yes, regret is the gnawing, gut clenching feeling that keeps you awake at night. Regret seeps into every little thought and hope with the constant


Why?

Monday, 7 November 2011

Finding Me

So... I recently lost myself. I say recently but it wasn't all that recent. It had been a gradual process, creeping up slowly and steadily as I did little to stop it from occurring. But, I'm here now, aren't I? Isn't it a good sign that I got to this stage of acceptance, having been through those other clich├ęd stages of loss? Well, I want to get to the stage that no-one talks about - happiness. I believe happiness is a stage most of us spend our whole lives having, or working to find. But the truth is... I don't know who I am any more. Who is this person who I feel no attachment for most days? This is all sounding very morbid and I don't mean it to be because I have so much in my life to be thankful for, I truly do. But ultimately, I want me; myself in each and every moment instead of regretting things I have done or even might do. What is that? It's ridiculous that's what. And it's going to stop. Oh I know, it won't be an instantaneous moment of pure enlightenment. No, I realise it will be a slow process filled with what ifs?, how comes? and why nots?. I will lose friends and find friends. I will make enemies of others and possibly myself. But I cannot live like this bland, boring, grey person any more because I'd like to believe it isn't me. 


And here is my quest to prove it.